One day I will grow up

One day I will grow up:

One day I will grow up and not worry what others think of me.

One day I will be free

One day I will be brave and invite you out.

 If you say no, I won't take it personally

One day I will be me, I will be free

One day I will write a poem even when others say it’s just a waste of time

I will be me

I will dance and skip and sing with joy on a crowded beach
 alone with my Daddy in Heaven

One day I will be me

One day I will laugh and not stop. I will be free.

I will roll around on the ground and everyone will look at me

What is she doing? It’s communion. It’s sacrilege. It’s annoying. Stop her.
 What is she doing?
I’m being me. I’m being free. I didn’t grow up. I am God’s little girl.

Jesus winked at me

© Tavane Nelson,  Mar 10, 2015

How this poem came to be:

(This is the first poem I have written since my childhood)

“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven”

 Matthew 18:3

Sometimes as Christians, I think we are much too serious and self-conscious. We think we always need to have it together, and someday we will mature and arrive. God’s truths can be upside down. We need to come before God like little children who naturally depend on their parents with trust and faith.

About ten years ago I experienced what I think it meant to become like a little child. I was able to come to God just as I was with delight, dance, and laughter, filled with trust and faith. During those times I felt like God had given me a taste of what heaven would be like. It was all too fleeting. I basked in the warmth of God’s love, and I did not care what anyone thought of me. I struggle with words as there are none that can adequately describe this place of pure contentment. It was as if a veil had been lifted, and all self-consciousness, pretensions, feelings of shame, embarrassment, worries or concerns were entirely eliminated. Oh, if I could only have remained in that state of being! The very next day, all that humanness that gets in the way came back as I fretted over what on earth everyone must have thought of my behavior, especially since I was so ultra-reserved back in those days. But then, if every day was like that, we would be in heaven. Getting those little glimpses encourage me to press on until the day of Christ Jesus, when I will be with him forever. Until then, I will continue working towards being mature in Christ, through coming to him like a child.

Some people believe that being a Christian is all about rules and regulations that keep you from having fun and doing what you want. But the opposite is true. I am finding that the more I follow Him, the more free I become.

"Because of Christ, I am free. Whom the Son sets free is free indeed." John 8:36 

This photo of my daughter was taken March 2014, on Casey Key, Florida.

 The beach is made entirely out of seashells! Unfortunately there is no longer any
access, as someone has bought the land and has begun construction.

                               

Why Straight Paths?

My first blog post! This is definitely not the same feeling as writing on a word document. It's kind of difficult to describe, but it definitely feels like I'm taking a blind leap of faith.

So why did I choose the name Straight Paths? It was the result of months of struggle as I processed the fact that I was actually not in control of anything in my life. Oh, I knew that God was in control, but really, I was deluding myself and secretly taking back control. Take a look at these Bible verses:

 "In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight."
 Proverbs 3:6

"I will go before you, and make the crooked places straight." Isaiah 45:2

During a time of prayer with two other Godly women, one of them had some words for me. It took some time to sink in because I was not yet fully aware of all the implications. The reality was that I had been taking the Straight Paths within my life and was making them crooked. I was not trusting God to go before me and make the crooked places straight. I was taking all the control back from God. And even worse, all this time in my life, I had thought I was making the paths straight. Those crooked paths I thought were crooked were actually God's straight paths! Sounds confusing, doesn't it?

After years of being in charge of my life with everything I did, what I wore, what I ate, where I worked, I then married and had children. Little cracks began to appear in the facade as I discovered that compromises had to be made. But for the most part I was in control of what my children wore, what they ate, where they played, what activities they did, what friends they played with, and what they could buy. As they grew older some more cracks began to appear until the floodgates opened at the teenage stage and on to young adulthood. Then I realized that I really wasn’t in control of anything at all. It was all an illusion. Stuff just happens.

 Even worse was realizing how deep it went. I thought through sheer self-will I could shape someone's destiny. If I just wished it enough, or prayed it through enough, then it would change that person. If I thought it, then it would be. If I deemed that a loved one would believe in Jesus, then it would happen. That terrible event in my life would disappear. The present reality would be switched for a new one of my choosing. This was one of the toughest lessons in my life to discover that I was actually committing the sin of pride -- the exact same sin that caused Lucifer to be kicked out of heaven. I was trying to be God. It has taken a couple of years of threshing out the truth. In the process I have had to hand over every dream and presupposition to the God of the universe who can see the past, present and future.

 It was heart wrenching, draining and exhausting. I had to come to the end of myself and my own self-sufficiency to rest in my nothingness and instead rest in God’s perfect plan that I did not understand. There is pain, there is illness, there is old age and there is death. There is heartbreak and there are circumstances that you do not ask for, but they are there. Through it all, God is still God. He still loves me, and I can lean on Him and trust Him with my little mustard seed of faith. He knows what's best for me. His ways are better than my ways, and I can rest in this truth.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5.

 I had a picture of how intricately complicated and incomprehensible to my small mind God's omniscience is. I saw a sea of unending gear wheels of every shape and size hanging suspended in the vast expanse of the universe. Each gearwheel was connected together, working all in unison for God's plans and purposes. I will never forget the whirling as they all worked in unison. It was like endless symphony orchestras all playing together at the same time and sounding beautiful. If this is my God, then He is sufficient for me.

Who am I to question what the God of the universe has ordained? I want God to make my paths straight. I don't want to trust in my human efforts anymore. My plans just make a mess of things and all my paths go crooked. So each time I open this Blog named Straight Paths, I will be reminded of who is in charge and trust Him with all my heart.